hymn to isis

the ghost of you

2009-07-29T19:14:00.004+08:00

07.29.09
i saw an apparition of you today...
my heart skipped a beat, but kept close.
remember the promise i gave you?
that the spaces between your fingers
are my fingers
when all the world has fallen down...

well, my world has fallen down,
and your fingers are nowhere near mine...

home

2009-07-28T18:29:00.002+08:00

07.28.09
it is my heart,
not the stars,
that will guide you tonight...

the face of hope

2009-07-27T15:12:00.003+08:00

07.27.09
*entry from the exhibit on lrt*

this should have been the winner...
a painting that talks of hope...

free will

2009-07-27T11:38:00.004+08:00

07.24.09
"the whole purpose of places like starbucks is for people with no decision making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. short, tall, dark, caf, decaf, low fat, non fat, etcetera. so people who don't know what they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95 get not only a cup of coffee, but an absolutely defining sense of self. tall... decaf... cappuccino!"
~joe fox, "you've got mail"

hollow

2009-07-23T18:40:00.002+08:00

07.23.09
i am keeping myself empty
so that you can fill me
when we finally drown
inside a papercup...

if you can read my mind

2009-07-22T16:33:00.003+08:00

07.22.09
i bury boredom under sheets of paper,
tuck it with the stack of folders,
mix it with paperclips and pushpins,
hide it under the desk
together with
papers for shredding...
...hoping boredom gets shredded too.

of birthdays and growing old

2009-07-22T09:57:00.003+08:00

07.21.09
if i can hold the years
and keep them in my pocket...
i will never reach in for change.
but growing old happens
and the once innocent
is battered by time,
broken by failed promises,
bruised by the cynics
and made stronger by faith.
i am
full of faith.

happy birthday kuya luden!

one picture, one poem a day

2009-07-20T13:14:00.011+08:00

so this is my new challenge... to take one picture a day, and somehow write something poetic about it. i seriously swear i'm getting dumber by the minute. i can't let my neurons die! i'm not certain as to how long i'll keep doing this but it's a good practice for me and my so-called writing... that and till i get a new inspiration...

07.20.09
i am trading empty bottles for a full heart,
the one that can make me overflow.

tucked in mid-air

2009-07-12T12:56:00.003+08:00

how do they come to the
come to the
come to the God
come to the still waters,
and not love the one who came there with them...
~sharon olds, "sex without love"

our eyes moved in hunger, and it was not to fill the emptiness that sat in our guts. you were spontaneity and you attracted me completely.

so that was how it felt like to surrender to fate, letting myself get lulled by beer and your voice talking of your escape from home. you see, i am the world's sadness collector and nobody is there to collect my stories when its time for me to share. this is the comfort i found in strangers. i can let myself overflow.

...and so we shared the nights flying like airplanes, floating in smoke then plummeting to the ground, faster and faster, till we reached the center of the universe. the mornings were lazy as you whispered your silent wishes to god in my ear, your lips tenderly brushing my skin. i've never wanted to stay in bed so badly. afternoons were just as slow as we made something else other than love. how is it that you were able to stop time?

even when we moved out of the mountains and found rest in the heart of manila, you found a way to drown street sounds with the sound of your heaving breath.

i've never seen unrest conquered so easily by sleep and silence.
you suspend me in mid-air...

i just realized...

2009-07-12T03:01:00.002+08:00

i finally completed the 30-day project. i even went over 30 and posted an extra...
(wink wink, nudge nudge luanne!)

...so what am i to do next?

***long retarded sounds plus drooling***

07.09.09 (the road to el hemp-o part 3)

2009-07-09T18:00:00.001+08:00

***last installment... hehe!***

woke up early to go to church because it's my lola's birthday. then vitaly and i had breakfast at bana's cafe and met with our guide robert and headed out to sumaging caves. it's also known as the big cave and one of the main tourist attractions in sagada.

the descent wasn't as scary as what other say, although i was told that i'd be reeking of bat piss and shit. but then again, what do we expect of caves right? as we went farther and deeper into the cave, we saw the magnificent display of stalactites and stalagmites.

getting out was harder. again, my choice of footwear was not good and i kept on slipping on the sides of everything i step on to. i enjoyed the short ride halfway back to the town. i rode on top of the jeep, which was pretty daredevilish of me...

next, we headed out to bokong falls. it was a 30-minute trek across rice fields. i wasn't supposed to take a dip but i'm such a gullible person and was talked into it after 2 minutes of convincing.

i thought i tire easily of things but i found out that buttered chicken is good the 4th... er, 5th time around. we had a late lunch at bana's and had lemon pie i bought from the lemon pie house. it was pretty good (memo to self: must take picture of everything to be an effective blogger or something). the rest of the afternoon was practically for slacking off and the night for beers.

the next day was spent in transit. the bus was fine although it was a bit cramped up for vitaly. it took 6 hours for us to get to baguio and the road wasn't as good.

now if there's a place i'd relocate, it's going to be in baguio... i always had a thing for it. i hate cold places but somehow, i enjoy it a lot. so anyway, the reason why i had to stop over baguio was to get milkshakes at 50's diner... so before going our separate ways, vitaly and i had late lunch and to cap my seriously kick ass vacation, i had two orders of chocolate milk shakes!

07.08.09 (the road to el hemp-o part 2)

2009-07-08T21:22:00.000+08:00

***finally, after eons of slacking off...***

i woke up with a bad hangover... so i went to sleep again. then i woke up after a couple of hours and realized i was hungry. and so like what my schedule said, i had breakfast at the yogurt house. next stop was to make a reservation for the buffet dinner at the log cabin. vitaly said they serve mean dinners for the price of 350php. i went there to find out that he already made reservations. nice... but i paid...

after breakfast, i decided to go back to the church. unfortunately, it was closed. so i went to the market to look for the bookstore indicated on my map... i wasn't able to find it. but then again, i found shamrock cafe, the restaurant i was looking for the other night which was reportedly closed already. i had coffee and met vitaly to go to echo valley.

this time, i knew where to turn. after 15 minutes of hiking, we got to the view point. took pictures and spied on the hanging coffins.

it is said by our tour guide that they have been doing this tradition for more than 2,000 years. they arrange the bodies in fetal position to fit the small coffin so that they are brought back to mother earth the way they came here. the cave is the earth's womb and should should face east where the sun rises.

after echo valley, we headed out to bokong falls. unfortunately, it rained and we figured it's kind of retarded to go swimming when it's raining so we decided to head back and stay inside and read our respective books.

by nighttime, we were ready for the buffet. we purposefully did not eat anything after sharing one order of buttered chicken for lunch. the french chef who owns log cabin totally reinvented filipino food... the meal was very gooood! every peso was worth it.

the rest of the night was practically spent getting drunk and watching terminator. i would tell more about the movie but somewhere along the way, i got really really sleepy. so i slept...

***yeah yeah yeah... tomorrow... i promise...***

06.10.09 (the road to el hemp-o part 1)

2009-06-10T15:33:00.008+08:00

...it really took me about two weeks before writing about the recent trip i made to sagada (i haven't even started with the semi-asian tour before this), mostly because i was overwhelmed with the experience, and as expected, too lazy to just blog. well, this is me, blogging... or something.

as i was saying, after enslaving myself for three days, i decided to reward myself. the morning i got back from the office, i packed my bags and kissed my miserable room goodbye.

my first stop... banaue! i seriously didn't know what to do when i got there. but luckily, tour guides were waiting at the drop off point in front of banaue hotel. anyways, i found myself a guide named darwin, hopped on his motorcycle and started exploring this sweet part of mountain province...

he took me to a lovely restaurant where i had breakfast, met rebekah who was also touring banaue and sagada with her friends that day, then headed out to poitan village which is one of the remaining traditional villages in the area.

next stop was several view points of the famous banaue rice terraces. it was bad timing though... it was drizzling and the fog really got in the way of my camera and the wonderful sight.

so i decided to move on with my life and go to bontoc. unfortunately, i had to wait for the blasted bus for 2 hours. not to mention that the trip took 2 hours on the roughest road you can imagine. one thing is for sure, bontoc had to be left out. it was a good thing we had a stop over to take some pictures of bontoc's version of rice terraces. instead of mud used in banaue, this part of the province used stones.

the trip from bontoc to banaue took another hour. it was raining and i still had to register at the municipal hall. the backpacking couple i was with went on with their way and vitaly, another backpacker i met going to sagada, and i went off to hunt for my hostel.

after check in, i just had to have my late lunch. i have been craving butter chicken for the longest time and according to my research, alfredo's serve them. it was good but it wasn't all i was hoping for. they cook it with ketchup and of course, lots of loathsome butter. still, it was better than any fried chicken i would normally have in manila.

according to my trusty map, sagada is a cute little place you can walk around... my schedule for the day is to go to some village but i decided to change it since echo valley seemed closer to where i was standing, which was outside alfredo's, so i decided to get myself lost.

portion of echo valley i saw when i got lost in the middle of sagada's parallel universe. the cow is somewhere there... there...

and lost i was... how should i know left from right??? i found myself standing on a vast expanse of greenness with a water buffalo eating away for like 20 minutes... had the wrong choice of footwear so my slippers got sucked by mud and so i had to walk barefoot... and totally freaked out by the possibility of death by snakes. i went back and spent the entire afternoon sitting in front of the church trying hard to get artistic shots with my blasted point-and-shoot camera.

because sagada enjoys an 8:30 pm to 4am curfew, i had to quickly drag myself back to the hostel to freshen up and go out again to have dinner... drink beer... alone... blech! on my way home, i saw vitaly who was just about to have his dinner. i got myself dragged to a quaint bar and had more beer. this time, i had someone to talk to... yey!

well, since the title suggested it... yes, before i ended the first night, i got to have what sagada is known for... coolness right? er, maybe not, but what else is there in this twisted world? at least i'm going green...

***to be continued... hehe!***

05.26.09 (fucking wasted)

2009-05-26T11:56:00.003+08:00

yes, that's about it... i'm totally wasted. i'm pulling a double shift for two consecutive days, plus an additional 8 hours after doing 16 hours on wednesday... i'm seriously hoping i will still be alive and able to go on a roadtrip by thursday morning. i'm going to the boondocks as a treat for myself!

go to baguio and eat at the 50's diner...
go to sagada...
see the banaue rice terraces...
see the hanging coffins...
and probably muster all courage i have to take a dip inside the cave lagoons...

i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

***pictures ripped from this site and this site***

05.22.09 (tsoko.nut)

2009-05-22T14:44:00.009+08:00

i can see that this is the most retarded entry i will ever make...

it's my first time at tsoko.nut! ciemps binili ko ung chocolate drink nila kasi dun sila sikat e...

natuwa naman ako, in fairness... actually, the thing that got me going with the group is the aligue pasta. tagal ko na kasi di nakakakain nun e. keri naman cia, pero mas masarap pa rin ung luto ko. ahem!

er, puro pinoy foods ang drama nila. prices are kind of ok, from 70pokels*** up for sandwiches, 99pokels up for pasta and rice meals and 60pokels up for beverages.

baka bumalik ako, pwede din naman hindi. pero malamang babalik ako. may gusto pa akong i-try na iba dun sa menu. ahehe!
um, yun lang... meme naku...

***pokels - currency ng mga beckies

05.21.09 (your lips for chocolates)

2009-05-21T12:16:00.003+08:00

once upon a storm,
i thought of you...
... and i swear i saw the sun.

~mila reyes garcia

05.19.09 (literary tattoos)

2009-05-19T11:39:00.007+08:00

i'm itching to get a new one...

everything is beautiful and nothing hurt ~kurt vonnegut

so it goes ~kurt vonnegut
i am, i am, i am ~sylvia plath

or i can just have the hymn to isis etched on my back...
whatodowhatodowhatodo?

***all pictures ripped from this site***

05.18.09 (backfire)

2009-05-18T13:16:00.003+08:00

oh-khay, i admit. i made a mistake. i went out last weekend with ronnie, karen, mark, jun, grace and rizelle (tama ba?). ate at big buddha and i almost drowned in red iced tea. bummed around time zone waiting for kids to run out of money so we can go inside the videoke room. and finally, watched "angels and demons". after seeing "the da vinci code", i assumed that the next film will suck. i mean, really suck. and then i finally got to see it.

now i am reminded to always make the words coming out of my mouth sweet, just in case i have to take them back. it was gooood... i mean, there are some inconsistensies but if you look at the film alone, it's very impressive. ugh! these things pain me...

or maybe because i've read the novel a couple of years back and that made the film ok for me...

05.16.08 (the perfect wedding song)

2009-05-16T04:18:00.004+08:00

if i can't be the flower girl, then i might as well be the wedding singer! hrmpf! so i was looking for the perfect song and i can't find one. i was thinking of "if i am" by ninedays but it is too upbeat. then i thought of "could not ask for more" by edwin mccain but lots of people have used it already. then i decided to check my itunes... i found the pot of gold... i hope the newlyweds like this...

Look After You by The Fray

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you
After You
Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

*sighs*

05.15.08 (repost)

2009-05-15T06:14:00.004+08:00

making love shouldn't just be confined here...

you: we should create a place of make believe, a place of inner peace and refuge, a place that only we can share

me: like a haven... the island will be lined with trees... and you would make me a hammock. ive always wanted to lie in one

you: as long as we can lie in it together curled up in each others arms and basking in the beauty of life in this enchanted place

me: and we drown in the thought of how this world is so huge and immense and how little we are in the universe

you: but sometimes it is the littlest of things that make the biggest difference in life

me: but the idea of "you and me" can parallel the depth and the width of the universe and we find out that we are not so little after all... and we will make move the tiniest of flowers, the minutest of dust and we change the position of the stars in the universe

you: in this enchanted place of heaven on earth will we be vegatarians and live off the fruits of our harvest in an earthship house

me: and we would learn to nourish back the earth as it nourishes us

you: yes, and multiply the life on our island with the work of our hands

me: and with our palms we knead earth and fire and water and out of nothing we create life

you: do you think that in this place where you only have me you will grow tired of me and lonely for another?

me: no, my heart knows no reprieve

you: we can create life with each minute and hour, bringing existence to the uninhabited portions of the land. it is my hearts deepest desires to sew my seeds in this place to cultivate dreams, to inspire generations

me: to make his story and her story echo to the future...

you: and ring throughout the years

me: that the power of two can outlive civilizations of the old. we too, have survived the cynic times... you move like your fingers turning the pages of an old old book, gentle and quiet. me, looking at you as you absentmindly place your fingers to your lips, wetting it to ease the passing of time

you: enchanted is the path to destiny enlightening the way with each new step along your soft skin like the wind brushing past in a smooth even stroke leaving no part untouched, wetting my lips from the salivation of my tongue as I glare at you with desire

me: and i will love every square-inch of your body, like the water when it encloses me when i decide to drown with you

you: drowning in the sea of passion as the tides of our hormones overflow our senses and bring us to the point of total fantasy

me: and we let the tide overcome us, move us to the abyss... and we are one with the air... we become hollow and we have lost gravity

you: floating together arm and arm seperated from each other only by the confining restrictions of our skin as we explore the depths of our inner existences

me: we find a same soul that binds our bodies to one. and you fill me and i fill you and we are hollow no more. "us" is enough to make up for the emptiness in this world

i wish to make such kind of poetry with you...

05.08.09 (catatonic)

2009-05-08T13:33:00.007+08:00

ok, let's start this ranting:

this is the new book i am reading courtesy of jeff. i read perhaps 20-30 pages a day, then my mind goes blank. it's not like i'm reading umberto eco and my mind shuts down because i cant make out his metaphors, but something like every character introduced gets summarily executed, or worse, tortured in various creative manners.

it has a very interesting plot though. the story revolves around rudolf hess, adolf hitler's deputy in the nazi party during world war II and his mysterious flight to scotland in the year 1941. after being detained by the four powers (us, uk, soviet union and france) in berlin's spandau prison for ages, he dies with an electric chord tied around his neck.

in the novel, hess, who was known as prisoner #7 and the last of the prisoners of spandau prison was a double. he left a cryptic letter narrating the events as well as the reason for the trip to scotland and how his confession can change history as we know it.

i am now torn between reading the historical account first so at least i know what happened (this is utterly debatable, of course) and finishing the blasted novel so i can move on with my reading list. decisions, decisions, decisions...

______________________________________________________________

i finally got to watch x-men origins: wolverine. i liked the action part of it. the effects are totally awesome. but the story was quite boring. i'm not really an avid fan so i haven't read the comics yet but i think marvel could've done better. i especially cringed when logan found kayla dead and the camera zoomed out on him, with him holding the love of his life and screaming at the top of his lungs.

so why did i bother? here's why...

'nuf said...

05.06.09 (of flight and gravity)

2009-05-06T14:25:00.005+08:00

if love is a yearning to be like (even to become) the beloved, then hatred, it must be said, can be engendered by the same ambition, when it cannot be fulfilled. ~"satanic verses" by salman rushdie

beloved, we become what we most despise when the love we want can never be ours... we have cursed each other to never find another love like ours. we should let each other go... i thought it was my desire for you that i will grow wings. i never thought i would learn to love gravity more than i did flight.

i may have found someone.
right now, he is my kind of beautiful...

sSshHh...

05.05.09 (missing...)

2009-05-05T15:19:00.002+08:00

i was checking my diaries from before... i miss writing for someone so i decided to just post/repost. oh! and no, this is not for you... trust me...

"sun on rock... that's the kiss that never betrays... because it doesn't promise nothing."
"patrick white" by may-brit akerholt

night... freefalling in circle

bitter coffee, honey sugar,
water dense milk,
all gracefully burnt
under a warm fire.

rolled to a sweet kiss,
melted to a lonely tongue
to the grains of your
sandy hair.

i miss you love
and i will kiss you
faithfully.
like the sun on the rock,
from dusk till
dawn.

i miss you love
and the way your
dew drops travel
the dunes of the desert
to touch my lips.

05.04.09 (back to reality)

2009-05-04T13:20:00.003+08:00

more on the trip tomorrow... pagod naku e... in the meantime, feast your eyes on this. not from our shots though, ripped it from dannish's page.

i have a shot here sleeping with my book covering my face... hehe!

05.01.09 (birthday bash)

2009-05-01T23:51:00.003+08:00

happy 19th birthday to my dear brother. i hope you make a good guitarist/tattoo artist or whatever it is that you want to do...

pfft...

04.30.09 (trapped inside the bell jar)

2009-04-30T15:58:00.003+08:00

I saw the days of the year stretching ahead like a series of bright, white boxes, and separating one box from another was sleep, like a black shade. Only for me, the long perspective of shades that set off one box from the next day had suddenly snapped up, and I could see day after day after day glaring ahead of me like a white, broad, infinitely desolate avenue.

~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

04.29.09 (what would love do?)

2009-04-29T11:48:00.004+08:00

love rewards the brave...
~danielle la porte

04.27.09 (i'm not even trying)

2009-04-27T12:29:00.004+08:00

i don't think that i'd make up for yesterday. i have nothing to say except that i finished "bel canto" and i don't have energy left picking up another book. (but i did anyways, but that's a different story.) overall, this is how i feel about the book:

i have touched calm in my hands and it is as tender as a kiss.

04.25.09 (bel canto)

2009-04-25T16:58:00.003+08:00

i didn't actually hear the music nor the beautiful singing... i just knew it must've been something like the sound i hear when i feel the sunrise touch my face in the morning, or when i get soaked in the rain in the middle of summer...

"When the lights went off the accompanist kissed her. Maybe he had been turning towards her just before it was completely dark, maybe he was lifting his hands. There must have been some movement, a gesture, because every person in the living room would later remember a kiss. They did not see a kiss, that would have been impossible. The darkness that came on them was startling and complete. Not only was everyone there certain of a kiss, they claimed they could identify the type of kiss: it was strong and passionate, and it took her by surprise. They were all looking right at her when the lights went out. They were still applauding, each on his or her feet, still in the fullest throes of hands slapping together, elbows up. Not one person had come anywhere close to tiring. The Italians and the French were yelling, "Brava! Brava!" and the Japanese turned away from them. Would he have kissed her like that had the room been lit? Was his mind so full of her that in the very instant of darkness he reached for her, did he think so quickly? Or was it that they wanted her too, all of the men and women in the room, and so they imagined it collectively. They were so taken by the beauty of her voice that they wanted to cover her mouth with their mouth, drink in. Maybe music could be transferred, devoured, owned. What would it mean to kiss the lips that had held such a sound?"

i am halfway through ann patchett's "bel canto" and all i can say is that this is how it must be like listening to an opera. the book talks about a hostage situation, but my heart would not thump the way it is supposed to when reading suspense. no, this book is not about suspense. the most famous soprano kidnapped, a vice-president hit on the face, a french ambassador making an unauthorized call to his wife, a soldier's faith crumbling... no suspense there but music. i cannot believe how the author can narrate her story like chopin would touch the keys of a piano. i read the words like i'm making love.

i thought love affairs never last that long. i rediscovered the one i had with books... my passion has been rekindled.

04.24.09 (all in a day's work)

2009-04-24T13:58:00.008+08:00

looks like there's a new addict in town... well, next to luanne... hehe!

i will conquer you guitar hero! you will eventually grovel at my feet!
i seriously hope this does not affect my waning guitar skills... it's gathering dust much like my actual guitar...

___________________________________________
"fast and the furious 4" sucked... it has no point at all... but i cannot deny the fact that the car chase sequences are good. and um, yeah! that's about it.

04.23.09 (baby steps i shouldv'e taken eons ago)

2009-04-23T13:28:00.004+08:00

... but i would experience relapse once in a while, then i'd spend months of loathing myself. it's a vicious cycle i hope to escape soon...

the heart cannot grieve for what the eyes have not seen nor the skin has not touched...

04.22.09 (PMSing)

2009-04-23T06:01:00.004+08:00

i thought i was unlike other girls. i don't feel exceptionally bitchy before every woman's dreaded week. hell, i'm always my usual self... that was the case until someone suggested that the reason why i'm being depressed is because of PMS...

oh-khay, so that's why beck's "loser" plays in my head everytime i'm around people and i feel particularly obliging when the line goes "i'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me" and i start world war III inside my demented head...

Loser - Beck

04.21.09 (aimless)

2009-04-21T12:46:00.004+08:00

my state as of the moment: aimless, pointless... and yeah, senseless...

must watch more dexter...

04.20.09 (stuck in a moment)

2009-04-20T12:46:00.004+08:00

secret of the day...

it may be the beer last night or i've been over analyzing my state for the longest time. i feel stuck... no drive, no passion for anything. it feels like i'm just going through the motions of everyday life like a tormented rodent running endlessly in a hamster wheel. i'm sick of it, and perhaps scared. i'm at this age when i'm supposed to be in control of my life, but i'm not. i feel like i need to escape something, i don't know what it is. and i need to find something, i don't know what that is either... i used to know a sign when i see one, i think i may have lost that sensitivity.

soulsearching... i need to get hold of my old self...

in the meantime, i'll watch dexter kill bad bad people. it might help me feel better...

04.19.09 (lazy sunday)

2009-04-20T07:43:00.009+08:00

oh-kay, i missed one day... but at least i intended to write so...

anyway, because i was frustrated for not being able to go to penguin, i had to drag ronnie to a bar, any bar.
for some reason, i just wanted to drink. he asked his friend and an aquaintance of mine, jun to join us, as well as his "kambal" mark whom i've only met on multiply.

the result? one fun fun fun night.
i got to eat frog's legs for the first time. and like what others say, yeah, it tastes pretty much like chicken...
______________________________
oh... and i got to finish one book... not the great literature i have in mind but i'm desperate to get my reading back on track. *tap at the back*

04.18.09 (sarsa platoon)

2009-04-18T19:23:00.005+08:00

*updated*

"knowing" did not push through and so did the trip to penguin gallery. but i got to watch this...rock and roll, yeah!

thanks to clang for the tickets. i got to be with hinlalato for the nth time. the next time i get to be with you guys, you have to explain that i am your sister from another mother.
i'm posting this for the sake of posting... i'm way too hungry post the pictures but i will do that soon...

just a few comments:

the blues/rock and roll band was great. it would have been greater if the mic actually worked.

cynthia alexander and nyco maka rock! i'm proud that you guys will be representing philippines at the jack daniel's global music tour culminating in singapore.

astig ang razorback! i understand why the guys worship them...

finally... i heart louie talan! his baseline struck my heart...

04.17.09 (bad habits)

2009-04-17T12:11:00.006+08:00

a very good friend texted me after eons of hibernation... hey dennis! i'm glad you finally found a job. stick with it so you can buy me that travel towel you promised. and before i forget, we'll shoot that colin hay video. i'll sing it and you can play the guitar. we can ask luden to do the interpretative dance and second-voice. it's friday so in the meantime, we can play iniminiminimo...

we can watch my husband...

we can watch cynthia alexander and her kick ass performance...

or we can go to that lovely, lovey artsy-fartsy bar in malate...

i seriously hope we go to malate... i desperately need to get drunk...

04.16.09 (stealing secrets)

2009-04-16T14:58:00.006+08:00

there's this website that my best friend recommended me. it is where people would share their secrets anonymously. i go there everyday and read secrets that could have been mine. somehow, i am relieved that a total stranger would say out loud the things i try hard to bury. though not totally free from the bones i hide in my closet, a part of me has already been liberated whenever i visit PostSecret. maybe one day i'd be able to face my demons. my heart would know courage.

going there today is quite exceptional. something reminded me of googlemaps and you and paint and you.

there is...
...a posted secret that is our secret,
...a posted secret that used to be our secret,
...a posted secret that is still somehow my secret,
...a posted secret that was not your secret anymore,
...a posted secret i fervently wish is no longer my secret...

we're going to find a solution

...there is a posted secret that is not so much of a secret anymore, now that we don't intend to keep it.

i hope the person who wrote this realizes that the impossibility of meeting is nothing compared to the strength of their hearts. we've got planes, for chrissakes!

***finally bought a card reader. yey! i can start taking pictures. ugh! the thirty-day project is still on!***

04.15.09 (everyone needs to fall apart)

2009-04-15T12:36:00.004+08:00

An Ancient Gesture by Edna St. Vincent Millay

I thought, as I wiped my eyes on the corner of my apron:
Penelope did this too.
And more than once: you can't keep weaving all day
And undoing it all through the night;
Your arms get tired, and the back of your neck gets tight;
And along towards morning, when you think it will never be light,
And your husband has been gone, and you don't know where, for years.
Suddenly you burst into tears;
There is simply nothing else to do.

And I thought, as I wiped my eyes on the corner of my apron:
This is an ancient gesture, authentic, antique,
In the very best tradition, classic, Greek;
Ulysses did this too.
But only as a gesture,—a gesture which implied
To the assembled throng that he was much too moved to speak.
He learned it from Penelope…
Penelope, who really cried.

***this is the point when i would tell you to come back home to me so that we can finally fall in love again. but you are long gone... yesterday, after six months and four days of pretending i am ok, i fell apart. and my god it felt so good...***

04.14.09 (waiting for my real life to begin)

2009-04-14T13:44:00.005+08:00

i had lunch with chel today... she said i'm manic depressive. i've too much time in my hands even if i've tons of things to do (read my books and watch films), i still opt to lock myself up in the bedroom and stare at my ceiling for three hours till i fall asleep. i'm not yet ready to take my MA and surely i'm not in the mood for doing other diversions such as welding and refrigeration. and so i decided to take kickboxing classes. why? i don't know either. but it looks as if i can raise hell all i want and my instructor won't even care. i will do this while waiting for my real life to begin... (i like that song... memo to self: need to find luden or dennis and shoot a video of this...)

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin by Colin Hay

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keepchecking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Hey heyeyeyeyey
Hey yeeeeeee
Hey heyeyeyeyey
Eeh eeh eeh eeh eh x5

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

04.13.09 (the 30-day project)

2009-04-13T14:22:00.007+08:00

i cannot write... um, so??? well i was watching "finding forrester" yesterday and william forrester (sean connery) was telling jamal wallace (rob brown) that in writing, one should not think, because thinking comes in later. the first draft must be written with the heart, and the rewriting, with the head... so this is me just writing.

i was advised to take pictures everyday and to write something about it, even a few sentences. this should get me back in the groove. ugh! unfortunately, my blasted camera is not recognized by the blasted pc even after i installed the blasted program...

and unfortunately, luanne is already calling me, so i have to continue this tomorrow... *sobs* there goes my supposed writing something every single day... pft!

***luanne says it takes 30 days to develop a new habit. this is such a challenge!***

for the love of pandas...

2009-03-26T18:06:00.038+08:00

...so it took me 7 months to finally blog about the trip to hongkong... maybe i'm just forced to finish this so i can start blogging about the recent trip i made... or maybe i'm just plain bored... *pffft*

god help me get a life...
here goes...

after deluding ourselves that we were in italy, ron and i rode the venetian shuttle bus to get to taipa pier. we got there an hour early so we were able to change our ticket reservation and got an earlier departure. the trip was basically fine. i'm not used to traveling by ship so i pretended to sleep... (this is the part where i insert a picture of ronnie and i but it was so long ago that i forgot where i placed the dang thing)

day 1: after we got through the immigration in hongkong, ron and i had to walk to IFC mall to meet my aunt, my sister and her boyfriend and have lunch. i totally forgot what i had but i can still remember what ron ate because i liked it better. lemon chicken! after that, meliza and ryan decided to go somewhere while ron and i go to my aunt's house to drop off our bags and change clothes. after that, we went back to central and combed the place for the olympic village of some sort. we didn't find it, whatever it was. but we saw this...

in front of this olympic park thingy is the old lighthouse. from what i heard, this is about to be torn down...

since we got to kowloon area quite early for the symphony of lights, we opted to just wander around the seaside. about 5pm, people started trickling in so we found a nice place to sit and waited for the blasted lights to dance.

and so the symphony of lights began...

it could have been better if not for the pollution, seriously... and for those posers who feel like they are professional photographers just because their lenses are longer than their appendages combined, please... throw yourselves overboard. i saw your pictures from where i sat and i can tell that they are ugly...

after the light show, ron, meliza, ryan and i went to nathan road. we knew there was nothing we could do there since its a posh shopping place and we didn't have money. but we went there anyways just to tire ourselves to get a good night sleep.

*meme na*

day 2: i woke up with a smile on my face knowing i'd have my favorite breakfast of congee and fried noodles. i waited 5 years to eat those again. try as i might, i cant find that congee and that type of noodles anywhere here! yum!!!

so we were having breakfast and all when suddenly, my cousin told me there was a storm coming. i told him no, there was no storm coming because we were scheduled to go to lantau island that day. the first time i went to hongkong, there was sars and so i did not see the buddha. this time, i won't let any storm get in my way... so despite the budding storm we rode the cable car to lantau island. approaching the place called ngong ping village, i saw an apparition...

i just knew that the risk of being stuck inside the cable car while the storm raged outside is nothing compared to finally seeing the largest outdoor buddha in the world... i'd say meeting him was magical.

so we rounded the village,

climbed the 268 steps to reach the buddha,

went down and visited the po lin monastery,

ate frozen calabash and the most life changing experience of all...

starbucks...

of course even with the storm, we still took the cable car back to the city. after that, we ate this filthy filthy filthy noodles. i had to appease my tastebuds with egg tarts we bought at lord stow's. then ron and i went back to the mall and splurged on zara clothes. back at the house, we waited for my mom whom i havn't seen for a year and a half. *insert hugs and kisses* after the dust settled, we went to the apartment in yuen long and spent the night there.

*meme na uli*

day 3: we woke up and typhoon nuri has arrived in hongkong. it was the first time in what? 5 years? that the highest storm warning was hoisted again... like that's going to stop us? while my mom and my sister and her boyfriend stayed at home, ron and i went out of the house and violated some rules...

day 4: is a blur... but i know that we went to ocean park to see PANDAS!!! well, it was still raining and going there involved another cable car ride which was more than what my mom could bear. ladies and gents, she cried...

and of course, the family picture...

i'm never a fan of theme parks. i'm petrified of park rides. i'd probably scream if one shoves me in a ferris wheel. pfft! the only thing i can stand is the carousel. but i can't keep on riding carousels. i need to move on... *sighs* so we watched acrobats and kung-fu masters, saw the baby seals and flamingos.

but the real reason why i went to hong kong is this...

I DIED OF CUTENESS!

after i got recusitated from the encounter with the most huggable creature on earth, we went back to the city. we had lunch with my aunt, went to stanley market to buy more things. what they are, i forgot. we went back to my aunt's house to fix our things and then prepared to go to the airport. (notice how i just want to get this over and done with...)

and so the travel ends and the reality begins... i still can't get over the pandas... i swear i will get one when i go back to china... you babies will me mine! *evil laugh*

on sadness...

2009-03-10T00:12:00.009+08:00

"the tormented heart doesn't just find happiness, it becomes happiness".
¬umeed merchant. "the ground beneath her feet" by salman rushdie

my feet draws me to the sound of rock. and you, i am not so sure. but it must be a constant sadness that made us roam around the streets of angkor, trying to gather all that must make one long for something that would transform tormented hearts into a peaceful lullaby.

there are some sadness that only strangers can understand. i am probably trying to escape a past that wouldn't let go of me. and you, i am not so sure. but it must be a kind of burning to make us not want to read each other's stories to create something new that would transcend the complications of asking the ultimate question of why.

why?

have i become so sad to rest my challenges on a bench, the faint streetlight illuminating the place beside the river, your quarter-bottle of mekong whiskey rocking us? so sad to let myself feel the grass on my bare back, your arms cushioning my head as your words drowned in mine? are we both so sad to meander noiselessly into the night, trying to find solace inside each other's skin?

maybe this longing of being anything else but empty can be quenched tonight.

and so we tried...

and so we did...

or did we?

this is the sadness that only strangers can understand.

we succumb to it, hoping to make sense of fleeting things such as happiness.

so its valentine's day...

2009-02-14T08:15:00.010+08:00

i promise to take out the backlog... but before that, let me just acknowledge this... happy valentines day people! i'm not one to celebrate but i am happy for those who are able to.

the office was kind enough to send chocolate hearts to all the ladies of the company and i immediately gorged mine as soon as i stepped inside my room... then the song which i have been singing for more than three weeks started playing in my head and i just had to take a picture of my misery... here you go janis fans! eat your freaking hearts out!

Piece Of My Heart - Janis Joplin

(Come on…)
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man, well yeah,
An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby, (break a..)
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah. (have a..)
Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh yes indeed.

You're out on the streets looking good, and baby,
Deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never never never never never never never hear me when I cry at night.
Baby, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on, yeah take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a..)
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, (come on…)
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.
Well, You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

Guitar

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a…)
Break another little bit of my heart, darling, yeah. (have a)
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it (waaaaahhh)
Take a…Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a…)
Break another little bit of my heart, and darling, yeah yeah (have a)
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

***hoping to wake up one day to find stargazers beside my pillow... until then, let me just travel the world. oh! and take care of my niece... haha!***

relapse...

2009-02-08T08:35:00.004+08:00

***saw my college friends yesterday and for some reason we were reading each other children's books. ardee read us this... it made me cringe... now i feel like crap...***

Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney

Little Nutbrown Hare, who was going to bed, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare's very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening.

"Guess how much I love you," he said.

"Oh, I don't think I could guess that," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

"This much," said Little Nutbrown Hare, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go.

Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. "But I love YOU this much," he said.

Hmm, that is a lot, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you as high as I can reach." said Little Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you as high as I can reach," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

That is quite high, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I had arms like that.

Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea. He tumbled upside down and reached up the tree trunk with his feet.

"I love you all the way up to my toes!" he said.

"And I love you all the way up to your toes," said Big Nutbrown Hare, swinging him up over his head.

"I love you as high as I can HOP!" laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down.

"But I love you as high as I can hop," smiled Big Nutbrown Hare - and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.

That's good hopping, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I could hop like that.

"I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river," cried Little Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you across the river and over the hills," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

That's very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think any more. Then he looked beyond the thorn bushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be further than the sky.

"I love you right up to the MOON," he said, and closed his eyes.

"Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "That is very, very far."

Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night.

Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, "I love you right up to the moon - AND BACK."

backlog

2009-01-24T11:23:00.009+08:00

yes, yes... i know...
its january and i haven't posted anything since...
i'll get down to it as soon as i can.
pwamis!

(as if i've lots of followers... pfft!)

a little love poem

2008-12-24T09:19:00.013+08:00

Someone who hates scrabble.
Someone who sleeps on her back near an open window in winter, her breath rolling like a river into night.
Someone who wants me to wake her in the morning by reading ee cummings' love poems, giving a small candle-flicker of a smile just before opening her eyes.
Someone who appreciates the architecture of churches, but refuses to step inside.
Someone who has hands fit to hold hurt sparrows and robins.
Someone who threw out an her Alice Cooper records when she found out he loves to golf.
Someone who would swerve a new car into the ditch to avoid a frog crossing the road.
Someone who would tattoo my name on her arm in writing the same colour as her skin, so it would appear slowly from nowhere when she suntanned, people thinking her blood was telling secrets to the world of its own accord.
Someone who learned Spanish to read Marquez, or Lorca, or Neruda.
Someone whose hips whisper their own stories of the serpent and the garden of Eden.
Someone who bites the back of my neck like a leopardess carrying her kitten to safety.
Someone who'll make me wait for her to come out of the shower.
Someone whose smallest movements amaze me: her hair falling over her eyes, the soft swell of her hips when she ties down, a deep sigh when she sleeps.
Someone who maps every ticklish part of my body and then uses her knowledge strictly for evil.
Someone who paints our bodies black and makes love with me under the stars.
Someone who burns through my chest like that first shot of scotch.
Someone whose tongue, if we're kept apart too long, would nervously trace my face into the roof of her mouth.
Someone who practises her signature with her wrong hand, in case of accidents or a sudden arrest.
Someone whose fingrnails smell faintly of her hair.
Someone who reminds me of the soft tickle of fog.
Someone who would rush outside in the middle of the night, setting a spider onto the lawn, never admitting it's because she hates rain.
Someone who understands the unforgivable importance of ravens.
Someone wholl flicker into my lips with the ferocity of a dragonfly.
Someone who will open, thick, pungent and vital, like a Mapplethorpe flower.
Someone who has searched for me like a near-sighted woman groping for her glasses, stubbing her toes and swearing in Yiddish.
Someone who would understand why Steve and Dave and Paul and I sat in a bar staring at the mirror behind us for twenty minutes because somebody had asked what would happen if you looked at yourself in a mirror using a pair of binoculars until we had to admit the question was too big for us, and we turned back to the safe optics of the beer bottle.
Someone who would just happen to cut my wrist shortly after reading Ondaatje's "The Time Around Scars. "
Someone who'll stare softly but straight at me, smiling reassuringly when I tell her how my 73 year old Medieval lit prof looked up from Chaucer, stared blankly over the class's heads and said that even the happiest marriage will end in death.
Someone who understands the efficiency inherent in suicide.
Someone who knows that love can be the thickest slice of hell we’ll ever taste.
Someone who would dance with me by the sides of highways.

~andy weaver
hoping to find love like this soon...

my legend...

2008-12-17T11:58:00.005+08:00

if only all people would think like paulo coelho, then this world would be a better place...

"what is a personal calling? it is God's blessing, it is the path that God chose for you here on earth. whenever we do something that fills us with enthusiasm, we are following our legend. however, we don't all have the courage to confront our own dream.

"why?

"there are four obstacles. first: we are told from childhood onward that everything we want to do is impossible. we grow up with this idea, and as years accumulate, so too do the layers of prejudice, fear and guilt. there comes a time when our personal calling is so deeply buried in our soul as to be invisible. but it is still there.

"if we have the courage to disinter dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: love. we know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue the dream. we do not realize that love is just a further impetus, not something that will prevent us from going forward. we do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on our journey.

"once we have accepted that love is a stimulus, we come up against the third obstacle: fear of the defeats we will meet on the path. we who fight for our dream suffer far more when it doesn't work out, because we cannot fall back on the old excuse" "oh well, i didn't really want it anyway." we do want it and know that we have staked everything on it and that the path of the personal calling is no easier than any other path, except that our whole heart is in their journey. then, we warriors of light must be prepared to have patience in difficult times and to know that the universe in conspiring in our favor, even though we may not understand how.

"i ask myself: are defeats necessary?

"well, necessary or not, they happen. when we first begin fighting for our dream, we have no experience and make many mistakes. the secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.

"so, why is it so important to live our personal calling if we are only going to suffer more than other people?

"because, once we have overcome the defeats - and we always do - we are filled by a greater sense of euphoria and confidence. in the silence of our hearts, we know we are proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life. each day, each hour, is part of the good fight. we start to live with enthusiasm and pleasure. intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.

"having disinterred our dream, having used the power of love to nurture it and spent many years living with the scars, we suddenly notice that what we always wanted is there, waiting for us, perhaps the very next day. then comes the fourth obstacle: the fear of realizing the dream for which we fought all our lives.

"oscar wilde said: "each man kills the thing he loves." and it's true. the mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. we look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. we forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. i have known people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp, went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal - when it was only a step away.

"this is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. but if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the soul of the world, and you understand why you are here."

~paulo coelho
rio de janeiro
nov2002
translated by margaret jull costa
quoted from "the alchemist"

memo to myself

2008-12-12T18:42:00.002+08:00

this is my head talking to my heart...

you really have to stop looking. eventually you'll read something that would tear you apart and you won't have anybody to blame but yourself just because you couldn't help it. make it stop.

serves me right for waiting... again

2008-12-11T05:13:00.003+08:00

break my heart again for old times sake?

C'mon, c'mon
C'mon, c'mon c'mon
You lay down with angels
To feel yourself again
You've got everything you need
Under your thick skin
I know where you're going
I know where you've been
When it comes to playin' games
You will always win o

[CHORUS:]
C'mon, c'mon c'mon
Break my heart again
For old times sake
C'mon, c'mon c'mon
Break my heart again
For old times sake

You can't see your shadow
Reaching for the sky
Lay your head down on my bed
Please don't ask me why
Why am I leaving
Why don't I know
Something deep inside me
Is forcing me to go
You say you need me
But you can't tell me no
When I ask you to stop me baby
You just let me go

C'mon, c'mon c'mon
Break my heart again
For old times sake
C'mon, c'mon c'mon
Break my heart again
For old times sake

You took the best of me
And threw it away
Too bad the rest of me
Still wants you to stay
Want you to stay
You say you need me
But you can't tell me no
When I ask you to stop me baby
You just let me go
You just let me go

C'mon, c'mon c'mon
Break my heart again
For old times sake
C'mon, c'mon c'mon
Break my heart again
For old times sake

***
the agony of waiting is all i have to know you are still here

lutong macau

2008-12-10T19:22:00.031+08:00

***i figured i resume my writing to forget everything else. i hope this works***

"with cebu pacific air zero fares, it's time everyone flies"
(again, i should be getting paid for saying that)

05.17.08 all ron wanted was to eat portuguese egg tarts. plus he was in a big fight with raphael so he had to do something distracting. as for me, it was time i see those aadshfahsfd pandas aside from the frustration i felt last 2003 when i went to hong-kong and had to stay inside the house for two months because of that dang crazy chicken disease and SARS. alas! when we checked cebu pacific, zero fares were on and we just had to book a trip. i tagged my sister and her boylet along so it was less cool... but that's a different story... (they were actually cool, i just felt like saying the former, tsk!)

08.17.08 and so we baptized the newly opened ninoy aquino international airport terminal 3. god knows i should have kissed the floors of that bodega. first time to travel abroad out of whim. this should be great...

day 1: arriving at macau at night was a blast. we rounded the casinos, lost my sister and her boylet because apparently their walking fits that of a couple enjoying the cobblestone roads in paris and ron and i are strutting bitches in new york, and finally felt the pang of hunger. we thought we'd enjoy a nice portuguese dinner but everything was closed so we had to settle for junk...

we went back to our temporary abode and decided the day is not yet over at 2am. ron and i had to go out and get ourselves lost.

by 3am, we were so tired but we just had to take a few souvenir snapshots of whatever olympic air we can sniff from macau.

*meme na*

day 2: we woke up early just because we can. i realized the more you sleep while on vacation, the more you waste time (i know, it's common sense *boohoo*) so we headed out to ruínas de são paulo to catch the morning sun.

and ron finally realized his dreams of eating those portuguese egg tarts. i personally found pork buns to be pagkaing tamad. kumbaga, you are so lazy to cook rice so you just buy pan de sal and stuff the dang meat in. all in all, it was a great gastronomic experience.

next stop was shopping at leal de senado...

...and we saw this nice looking alley somewhere there. its too much of an insult to ignore
avenida de almeida ribeiro

meliza and ryan (i just realized i haven't mentioned their names yet, sorry naman) decided to leave for hongkong earlier so ron and i were left out to explore the famous venetian hotel which is reportedly the largest single structure hotel building in asia and the third largest building in the world.

*ripped from this site

it was amusing to see people wasting their money in casinos, but the most fun part was seeing the gondolas. it almost felt like i was in italy.

having exhausted ourselves, we decided to go back to leal de senado and have a decent chinese meal.

ahhh... my heart can't possibly be lost because everywhere i turn, i see the two-tailed siren telling me there's already too much blood in my caffeine circulation. thus we wasted the night over coffee and cigarettes.

after coffee, we roamed the streets to cap our last night in macau.

*meme na uli*

day 3: i'd say macau is a good place if you have money to burn. it's a small place. so small that we saw the guy we were sitting next to on the plane in one of the 711's near the place we stayed. i mean, what are the freaking odds?

now we're off to see the PANDAS!!!
afldkhoadutajgkmgdjadgj;ajg'p;agpafgkmndfkajgpajgpnafdg

an attempt to forget

2008-12-10T18:30:00.002+08:00

i hope this keeps me busy in the meantime...

*sheesh*

if you ever wonder what it is i hear at night before i go to sleep...

2008-12-08T19:10:00.004+08:00

... or the sound i hear the first thing i open my eyes in the morning...

THE SOUND OF ONE HEART BREAKING
By Karen Kunawicz

What is the sound of one heart breaking? It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat.

It's the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it's the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It's the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "I love you" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.

The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of sharpened kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear. It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of winged creatures dying and falling on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

***
i thought this death will be over quickly. but i am, after all this time, still here... at the end of all things.

if you forget me

2008-11-26T11:38:00.001+08:00

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

~pablo neruda

last dance

2008-11-25T14:09:00.003+08:00

this is the part when i get to realize that i am alone in facing what lies ahead.
no more shoulder to cry on, no more words of comfort.
i will cry my cries alone, and finally come face to face with my demons.
perhaps only then i can sleep better at night...

Good morning, on July 7

2008-11-24T11:05:00.004+08:00

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

~Ludwig Van Beethoven 1827

your silence, and perhaps mine...

2008-11-19T22:18:00.005+08:00

"when you come down, nothing seems worth saying, nothing at all. you find the nothingness wrapping you up, like a sound. non-being. you can't keep it up, of course. the world rushes in soon enough. what shuts you up, i think, the sight you've had of perfection: why speak if you can't manage perfect thoughts, perfect sentences? it feels like a betrayal of what you've been through. but it fades, you accept that certain compromises, closures, are required if you're to continue."

~allie in salman rushdie's "the satanic verses"

sometimes it happens

2008-11-19T22:17:00.000+08:00

(sometimes it happens and we can't do anything about it. maybe we can do something but we refuse to act against circumstances. but who are we to judge one's persons decisions? we hurt, and pray that we get to move on soon... but we can never hide a brooding emptiness that sits on our navel, eating us whole. hopeful and faithful to survive death. praying for the serenity to emerge from drowning)

And sometimes it happens that you are friends and then
You are not friends,
And friendship has passed.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself.

And sometimes it happens that you are loved and then
You are not loved,
And love is past.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself into the grass.

And sometimes you want to speak to her and then
You do not want to speak,
Then the opportunity has passed.
Your dreams flare up, they suddenly vanish.

And also it happens that there is nowhere to go and then
There is somewhere to go,
Then you have bypassed.
And the years flare up and are gone,
Quicker than a minute.

So you have nothing.
You wonder if these things matter and then
As soon you begin to wonder if these things matter
They cease to matter,
And caring is past.
And a fountain empties itself into the grass.

-- Brian Patten

comforting sadness

2008-11-19T22:16:00.000+08:00

i am a woman
to which i owe that i know
myself more that anyone else

that i can dine with Happiness
and spend afternoons
sipping coffee consumed by
my longing and completeness

and most of all

to comfort Sadness the only way i know how

alone
at last
again

for i will give up everything
just to have your presence replace
my fingers that enter the
folds of my soul

and to drown you when i
spread my limbs to the ends of the
world
as i hang on to your teeth when

you come
when i come
if i come

come as i till the soil of my earth
come as you stroke the branch that
tips
to the
ground

perhaps this is the only way we know
how to make love

no love,
this IS the only way we CAN
make love

curse the distance
curse the cold screen
curse the absence that lingers
in the cables that attempt to
connect us
the empty room that affirms
we are apart

but you come
and i come

and somehow, Sadness has been
comforted today

till tomorrow love,
till tomorrow

it is finished

2008-10-13T04:02:00.005+08:00

Consummatum est -- "It is finished."
Now I move on.
~ailil alvarez

so this is how it feels like to lose a long distance relationship...

it is as painful as losing that feeling of touch when we never touched at all,
as painful as realizing that promises uttered will never be kept and made and fulfilled and realized, never at all.

inside and out

2008-09-28T21:42:00.001+08:00

rediscovered imagini... i just thought i'd share. more of these when i'm finished with the other tests. :D

freefall

2008-09-27T17:58:00.003+08:00

i know there's more to this friendship than college and lit crit and white white pad paper and big mac and fake pashmina shawls and poets with psychological issues.

there's just this big thing called "adult life" ahead of us. i'm sure we'll get by.

ljubavi moja

2008-09-27T17:33:00.004+08:00

we are, at this moment, living in a dream.

ja sam zaljubljen...

this is what happens when i'm happy in love...

2008-09-27T17:22:00.004+08:00

...sappy words...
i like it.
*blushes*

thanks to nicoffeinejunkie for the design and everything

kindred soul

2008-09-27T16:24:00.003+08:00

to my best friend of 12 years, cheers to us!

we always dance to the same tunes and sing the same songs. we were never wrong about love after all.

to life, to love, and to tattoos!

the heaviest of burdens

2008-09-27T16:06:00.005+08:00

this is the pain of falling apart. we are what we make of ourselves and i am "here" because i was "there" at some point in time. i am stronger and more willing to love.

"the heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground… the heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become." ~the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera

i would never have known lightness till i learned how to bear the immenseness of your body on mine for every borrowed time, the weight of your stare piercing through me, dismissing my body and acknowledging my soul that is your soul when we finally drown inside a paper cup, the pressure of your hands against my breasts… that feeling of intimacy, my feeling of being owned and subdued and owned, the violence of your thrusts, your way of claiming my piece of earth, the tightness of your grip as we untangle our tangled legs from last night’s caress, the fierceness of words we stabbed on each other’s backs when we drew our last breaths to say the dreadful goodbye, the abruptness of forever when promises are drawn out of our mouths and spit to the ground.

if only we could hold the years and keep it in our pockets, i will never reach in for change.

the weight of the world is so much easier to bear than the lightness of the tangible "us".

somewhere between your smile and your frown

2008-09-27T15:58:00.004+08:00

this is the poem i made for anna during our training. miss you much ate...

somewhere between your smile and your frown are the days we may have caused each other pain without even knowing, not noticing the spaces between your fingers and mine are getting wider, crevices moving farther apart, the fissures more pronounced, so well defined. so much so that when sunlight hits our bodies, one can make out your shadow and mine, together, but separated by some sadness inconceivable to the naked eye.

somewhere between my eyelashes and your chest are the tears shed when we can no longer meet halfway in closing circles. i would run around its side and you would always be at the center and we no longer come to the understanding of things.

somewhere between the flicker of lights you come home late, quiet as a whisper, afraid to startle sleep in my eyes. but i know that the closer you lay beside me, the farther you move away from my embrace.

somewhere between our breakfast of coffee and cigarettes is the smoke that clouds our conversations, boiling in heat then later catching fire. and we burn and burn till we turn into embers that turn to ashes. we have burned our love out so that when i look into your face i know… that somewhere between your smile and your frown, we have fallen apart.

~living vicariously, may 22 2006

something for the ex

2008-09-27T15:42:00.004+08:00

it's been almost 3 years since the first heartbreak and i just feel like posting this. it may well be one of the few decent "poems" i've written. so sue me...

HE is how i would have love. …quiet,
like his breath brushing my cheeks and
his fingers between my fingers, eyes
closed. …warm, like seeing him sleep
close to my breast, naked and divine,
exquisitely tangled in my
embrace. …blue, constant as the
promise made between the sky and the
sea to kiss at the horizon, our promise
of forever. HE is how i would have
love. my eyes reflected in his, even
when asleep.

we had good times... but i moved on.

revisited

2008-09-27T14:48:00.011+08:00

i just thought i'd start off with the books i read, have been reading, and will probably read when i feel indifferent, or cranky at life in general. i always recommend books to my students and i'm glad i'd catch them after a day or two leafing through the books that inspire people and change lives. now, i'm not too big on self-help and do-it-or-fail-in-life texts. i just think that all beings are unique and while a particular outlook may change one's life considerably, it may not work for others. on the other hand, i love novels that inspire. the lessons are subtly imposed. it is by the process of literary exposition that readers learn of the morals these stories want to impart. or maybe i just hate being taught what to do.
i remember receiving a christmas gift from my coordinator from one of the schools i used to work in. it was "the purpose driven life." i was thankful, at the same time offended. i never thought anybody would think that i haven't found my purpose. well, maybe i haven't yet... but i'll get there. and i will get life's lessons through my mistakes and achievements and of course, vicarious experiences.

"the alchemist" by paolo coelho
"when your heart truly desires something, the whole universe conspires to help you achieve that thing, simply because it is a desire that originated from the soul of the world."

"…at that moment, it seemed to him that time stood still and the Soul of the World surged within him. whe he looked into her dark eyes, and saw that her lips were poised between laugh and silence, he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke- the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart. it was love. something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. something that exerted the same force whenever two eyes met, as had theirs here at the well. she smiled, and that was certainy an omen- the omen he had been waiting, whithout even knowing he was, for all his life. the omen he had sought to find with his sheep and in his books, in the crystals and in the silence of the desert.

"it was the pure Language of the World. it required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. what the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. he was more certain of it than of anything in the world. he had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. but maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. because, when you know that language, it’s easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether its in the middle of the desert or in some great city. and when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. there is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. it is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. without such love, one’s dreams would have no meaning."

"the name of the rose" by umberto eco

"…the truth is that I “saw” the girl, I saw her in the
branches of the bare tree that stirred lightly when a benumbed sparrow flew to
seek refuge there; I saw her in the eyes of the heifers that come out of the
bard, and I heard her in the bleating of the sheep that crossed my erratic
path. It was as if all creation spoke to me of her, and I desired to see her
again, true, but I was also prepared to accept the idea of never seeing her
again, and of never lying again with her, provided that I could savor the joy
that filled me that morning, and have her always near even if she were to be,
and for eternity, distant. It was, now I am trying to understand, as if- just
as the universe is surely like a book written by the finger of God, in which
everything speaks to us of the immense goodness of its Creator, in which every
creature is description and mirror of life and death, in which the humblest
rose becomes a gloss of our terrestrial progress- everything, in other words,
only of the face I had hardly glimpsed in the aromatic shadows of the kitchen.
I dwelled on these fantasies because I said to myself that if the whole world
is destined to speak to me of the power, goodness, and wisdom of the Creator,
and if that morning the whole world spoke to me of the girl, who was
nevertheless a chapter in the great book of creation, a verse of the great
psalm chanted by the cosmos- I said to myself that if this occurred, it could
only be a part of the great theopantic design that sustains the universe,
arranged like a lyre, miracle of consonance and harmony. As if intoxicated, I
then enjoyed her presence in the things I saw, and, desiring her in them, with
the sight of them I was sated.

"And yet I felt a kind of sorrow, because at the same time I
suffered from an absence, though I was happy with the many ghosts of a
presence…

"…now I know that good is cause of love and that which is
good is defined by knowledge, and you can only love what you have learned is
good , whereas I had, indeed, learned that the girl was the good of the
irascible appetite, but the evil of the will. But I was in the grip of so many
and such conflicting emotions, because what I felt was like the holiest love
just as the doctors describe it: it produced in me that ecstasy in which lover
and beloved want the same thing, and for her I felt I felt jealous, but not by
the evil kind, condemned by Paul in I Corinthians, but that which Dionysius
speaks of in the “The Divine Names” whereby God is also called jealous because
of the great love He feels for all creation. I was jealous in the way in which,
for the angelic doctor, jealousy is motus in amatum, the jealousy of
friendship, which inspires us to move against all that harms the beloved."~Adso of Melk

...more when i feel like it...

i've been meaning to do this...

2008-09-27T14:12:00.007+08:00

i've been meaning to do this since i learned how to rant but my adhd keeps getting in the way. i've started so many blogs already and i would always leave them when i find other things to keep me busy. but now, im serious. i want this.

so help me God.

i hope this ain't the last post...