04.30.09 (trapped inside the bell jar)

I saw the days of the year stretching ahead like a series of bright, white boxes, and separating one box from another was sleep, like a black shade. Only for me, the long perspective of shades that set off one box from the next day had suddenly snapped up, and I could see day after day after day glaring ahead of me like a white, broad, infinitely desolate avenue.

~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

04.29.09 (what would love do?)

love rewards the brave...
~danielle la porte

04.27.09 (i'm not even trying)

i don't think that i'd make up for yesterday. i have nothing to say except that i finished "bel canto" and i don't have energy left picking up another book. (but i did anyways, but that's a different story.) overall, this is how i feel about the book:

i have touched calm in my hands and it is as tender as a kiss.

04.25.09 (bel canto)

i didn't actually hear the music nor the beautiful singing... i just knew it must've been something like the sound i hear when i feel the sunrise touch my face in the morning, or when i get soaked in the rain in the middle of summer...

"When the lights went off the accompanist kissed her. Maybe he had been turning towards her just before it was completely dark, maybe he was lifting his hands. There must have been some movement, a gesture, because every person in the living room would later remember a kiss. They did not see a kiss, that would have been impossible. The darkness that came on them was startling and complete. Not only was everyone there certain of a kiss, they claimed they could identify the type of kiss: it was strong and passionate, and it took her by surprise. They were all looking right at her when the lights went out. They were still applauding, each on his or her feet, still in the fullest throes of hands slapping together, elbows up. Not one person had come anywhere close to tiring. The Italians and the French were yelling, "Brava! Brava!" and the Japanese turned away from them. Would he have kissed her like that had the room been lit? Was his mind so full of her that in the very instant of darkness he reached for her, did he think so quickly? Or was it that they wanted her too, all of the men and women in the room, and so they imagined it collectively. They were so taken by the beauty of her voice that they wanted to cover her mouth with their mouth, drink in. Maybe music could be transferred, devoured, owned. What would it mean to kiss the lips that had held such a sound?"

i am halfway through ann patchett's "bel canto" and all i can say is that this is how it must be like listening to an opera. the book talks about a hostage situation, but my heart would not thump the way it is supposed to when reading suspense. no, this book is not about suspense. the most famous soprano kidnapped, a vice-president hit on the face, a french ambassador making an unauthorized call to his wife, a soldier's faith crumbling... no suspense there but music. i cannot believe how the author can narrate her story like chopin would touch the keys of a piano. i read the words like i'm making love.

i thought love affairs never last that long. i rediscovered the one i had with books... my passion has been rekindled.

04.24.09 (all in a day's work)

looks like there's a new addict in town... well, next to luanne... hehe!



i will conquer you guitar hero! you will eventually grovel at my feet!
i seriously hope this does not affect my waning guitar skills... it's gathering dust much like my actual guitar...

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"fast and the furious 4" sucked... it has no point at all... but i cannot deny the fact that the car chase sequences are good. and um, yeah! that's about it.

04.23.09 (baby steps i shouldv'e taken eons ago)

... but i would experience relapse once in a while, then i'd spend months of loathing myself. it's a vicious cycle i hope to escape soon...



the heart cannot grieve for what the eyes have not seen nor the skin has not touched...

04.22.09 (PMSing)

i thought i was unlike other girls. i don't feel exceptionally bitchy before every woman's dreaded week. hell, i'm always my usual self... that was the case until someone suggested that the reason why i'm being depressed is because of PMS...

oh-khay, so that's why beck's "loser" plays in my head everytime i'm around people and i feel particularly obliging when the line goes "i'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me" and i start world war III inside my demented head...

Loser - Beck

04.21.09 (aimless)

my state as of the moment: aimless, pointless... and yeah, senseless...

must watch more dexter...

04.20.09 (stuck in a moment)

secret of the day...

it may be the beer last night or i've been over analyzing my state for the longest time. i feel stuck... no drive, no passion for anything. it feels like i'm just going through the motions of everyday life like a tormented rodent running endlessly in a hamster wheel. i'm sick of it, and perhaps scared. i'm at this age when i'm supposed to be in control of my life, but i'm not. i feel like i need to escape something, i don't know what it is. and i need to find something, i don't know what that is either... i used to know a sign when i see one, i think i may have lost that sensitivity.

soulsearching... i need to get hold of my old self...

in the meantime, i'll watch dexter kill bad bad people. it might help me feel better...

04.19.09 (lazy sunday)

oh-kay, i missed one day... but at least i intended to write so...

anyway, because i was frustrated for not being able to go to penguin, i had to drag ronnie to a bar, any bar.
for some reason, i just wanted to drink. he asked his friend and an aquaintance of mine, jun to join us, as well as his "kambal" mark whom i've only met on multiply.


the result? one fun fun fun night.
i got to eat frog's legs for the first time. and like what others say, yeah, it tastes pretty much like chicken...
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oh... and i got to finish one book... not the great literature i have in mind but i'm desperate to get my reading back on track. *tap at the back*

04.18.09 (sarsa platoon)

*updated*

"knowing" did not push through and so did the trip to penguin gallery. but i got to watch this...rock and roll, yeah!

thanks to clang for the tickets. i got to be with hinlalato for the nth time. the next time i get to be with you guys, you have to explain that i am your sister from another mother.
i'm posting this for the sake of posting... i'm way too hungry post the pictures but i will do that soon...


just a few comments:

the blues/rock and roll band was great. it would have been greater if the mic actually worked.

cynthia alexander and nyco maka rock! i'm proud that you guys will be representing philippines at the jack daniel's global music tour culminating in singapore.

astig ang razorback! i understand why the guys worship them...

finally... i heart louie talan! his baseline struck my heart...

04.17.09 (bad habits)

a very good friend texted me after eons of hibernation... hey dennis! i'm glad you finally found a job. stick with it so you can buy me that travel towel you promised. and before i forget, we'll shoot that colin hay video. i'll sing it and you can play the guitar. we can ask luden to do the interpretative dance and second-voice. it's friday so in the meantime, we can play iniminiminimo...

we can watch my husband...


we can watch cynthia alexander and her kick ass performance...


or we can go to that lovely, lovey artsy-fartsy bar in malate...


i seriously hope we go to malate... i desperately need to get drunk...

04.16.09 (stealing secrets)

there's this website that my best friend recommended me. it is where people would share their secrets anonymously. i go there everyday and read secrets that could have been mine. somehow, i am relieved that a total stranger would say out loud the things i try hard to bury. though not totally free from the bones i hide in my closet, a part of me has already been liberated whenever i visit PostSecret. maybe one day i'd be able to face my demons. my heart would know courage.

going there today is quite exceptional. something reminded me of googlemaps and you and paint and you.


there is...
...a posted secret that is our secret,
...a posted secret that used to be our secret,
...a posted secret that is still somehow my secret,
...a posted secret that was not your secret anymore,
...a posted secret i fervently wish is no longer my secret...

we're going to find a solution

...there is a posted secret that is not so much of a secret anymore, now that we don't intend to keep it.

i hope the person who wrote this realizes that the impossibility of meeting is nothing compared to the strength of their hearts. we've got planes, for chrissakes!

***finally bought a card reader. yey! i can start taking pictures. ugh! the thirty-day project is still on!***

04.15.09 (everyone needs to fall apart)

An Ancient Gesture by Edna St. Vincent Millay

I thought, as I wiped my eyes on the corner of my apron:
Penelope did this too.
And more than once: you can't keep weaving all day
And undoing it all through the night;
Your arms get tired, and the back of your neck gets tight;
And along towards morning, when you think it will never be light,
And your husband has been gone, and you don't know where, for years.
Suddenly you burst into tears;
There is simply nothing else to do.

And I thought, as I wiped my eyes on the corner of my apron:
This is an ancient gesture, authentic, antique,
In the very best tradition, classic, Greek;
Ulysses did this too.
But only as a gesture,—a gesture which implied
To the assembled throng that he was much too moved to speak.
He learned it from Penelope…
Penelope, who really cried.


***this is the point when i would tell you to come back home to me so that we can finally fall in love again. but you are long gone... yesterday, after six months and four days of pretending i am ok, i fell apart. and my god it felt so good...***

04.14.09 (waiting for my real life to begin)

i had lunch with chel today... she said i'm manic depressive. i've too much time in my hands even if i've tons of things to do (read my books and watch films), i still opt to lock myself up in the bedroom and stare at my ceiling for three hours till i fall asleep. i'm not yet ready to take my MA and surely i'm not in the mood for doing other diversions such as welding and refrigeration. and so i decided to take kickboxing classes. why? i don't know either. but it looks as if i can raise hell all i want and my instructor won't even care. i will do this while waiting for my real life to begin... (i like that song... memo to self: need to find luden or dennis and shoot a video of this...)





Waiting For My Real Life To Begin by Colin Hay

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keepchecking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Hey heyeyeyeyey
Hey yeeeeeee
Hey heyeyeyeyey
Eeh eeh eeh eeh eh x5

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

04.13.09 (the 30-day project)

i cannot write... um, so??? well i was watching "finding forrester" yesterday and william forrester (sean connery) was telling jamal wallace (rob brown) that in writing, one should not think, because thinking comes in later. the first draft must be written with the heart, and the rewriting, with the head... so this is me just writing.

i was advised to take pictures everyday and to write something about it, even a few sentences. this should get me back in the groove. ugh! unfortunately, my blasted camera is not recognized by the blasted pc even after i installed the blasted program...

and unfortunately, luanne is already calling me, so i have to continue this tomorrow... *sobs* there goes my supposed writing something every single day... pft!


***luanne says it takes 30 days to develop a new habit. this is such a challenge!***